Wrestling with God: My Journey of Struggle, Awakening, and Transformation

Author: TBGL1

Author Location: Wiltshire, England

You know that iconic moment in Genesis 32 when Jacob literally wrestles with God? It’s a powerful metaphor for the struggle many of us face—trying to figure out who we are, what we want, and how to connect with God in the middle of all of it. Jacob was wrestling not just with a divine being, but with his own limitations, his desires, and his desperate need for God’s blessing. That’s a real vibe for anyone who’s been in a tough spot, fighting for clarity, for change, and for a deeper connection to something greater.

For me, this story really hit home. A decade ago, at 48 years old, I was deep in a long-term relationship with my partner of 16 years. But I was also going through this intense spiritual awakening that shook everything up. For the first time, I wanted a real relationship with God—and I didn’t want to lose the relationship I had with my partner, either. It was a major tug-of-war in my heart and mind, a messy, raw, and hard season.

I asked all the big questions—ones I’m sure many of you have asked yourselves too. Was I born this way? Or had life’s circumstances shaped me into who I was? It was a constant struggle between the part of me that wanted to hold onto what I had and the part of me that felt God was calling me to something different.

Fear played a huge role in my journey too. The fear of being alone. The thought of no intimacy, no love, no hope for the future. As humans, we’re made for connection. I wasn’t sure I could do life on my own. And honestly, I wrestled with the idea that I shouldn’t have to give up my dreams of love and fulfillment. Why shouldn’t I have the same opportunities for happiness as anyone else?

For a while, I didn’t have answers. But I made the decision to step away from my partner and live celibately, choosing to prioritize my relationship with Jesus. I let go of old labels, unsure of where this new path would lead. Honestly, getting involved with a guy was the last thing on my mind—I wasn’t even thinking about it.

Celibacy wasn’t easy. And I heard the voices of others, people who believed they could never experience intimacy again. But Romans 12:1-2 kept coming to me. The verse calls us not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. But how do you renew your mind when it feels like everything around you is pulling you in a different direction? How do you change involuntary desires that you’ve known for decades?

One scripture that really spoke to me was the story of Lazarus in Luke 11. Lazarus had been dead for days—I had been in my own tomb for over 30 years. When Jesus spoke to Martha, saying, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” I could feel that challenge to my own beliefs, to my own doubts. When the stone was rolled away and Jesus called Lazarus out of the tomb, it was like I was hearing God call me out too.

Then the verse hit me: “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” I realised I was still wearing grave clothes—old identities, old ways of thinking, old patterns of living that were holding me back. I was alive, but I hadn’t fully let go of what was dragging me down.

As I came to grips with my identity in Christ, I found a community of believers who had also walked away from LGBTQ+ relationships to follow Jesus. And I saw how God’s love could transform people. They were finding healing and restoration, not just spiritually, but in their relationships too. Some were even starting to build loving, fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex.

Through this journey, I’ve learned one key thing: God is able. If we believe He heals the sick and raises the dead, then we have to believe He can walk with us in our pain and struggles and bring freedom. I can tell you, after a few years of this, I started feeling attraction to the opposite sex. It hasn’t led to a new relationship yet, but just knowing it’s possible has given me so much peace. And in the meantime, God has surrounded me with two amazing communities—one with others who’ve walked similar paths called TBGL, and another with a church that does life together, eating, learning, and growing as a family.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” This has been my experience. I’m not who I was, and I am so grateful for the goodness of God in my life.