Coming out as an Enneagram Type 9
Author: ettie.v
Author Location: Centurion, South Africa
I would like to share with you a song that has meant a lot to me over the past few years and share a few thoughts and ideas that I had regarding it.
Nine by Sleeping At Last
[Verse 1] Who am I to say what any of this meansI have been sleepwalking
Since I was fourteen
Now as I write my song
I retrace my steps
Honestly, it’s easier
To let myself forget
Still, I check my vital signs
Choked up, I realize
I’ve been less than half myself
For more than half my life [Chorus] Wake up
Fall in love again
Wage war on gravity
There’s so much worth fighting for you’ll see
Another domino falls
Either way [Verse 2] It looks like empathy
To understand all sides
But I’m just trying to find myself
Through someone else’s eyes
So show me what to do
To restart this heart of mine
How do I forgive myself
For losing so much time? [Chorus] Wake up
Roll up your sleeves
There’s a chain reaction in your heart
Muscle memory
Remembering who you are
Stand up
And fall in love again and again and again
Wage war on gravity
There’s so much worth fighting for, you’ll see
Another domino falls
And another domino falls [Verse 3] A little at a time
I feel more alive
I let the scale tip and feel all of it
It’s uncomfortable but right
We were born to try
To see each other through
To know and love ourselves and others well
Is the most difficult and meaningful
Work we’ll ever do
—
Understanding my Enneagram type has helped me understand myself a lot! If you’re unfamiliar with it, the Enneagram is a personality typing system that gives you some insight into how you interpret the world and manage your emotions. Enneagram 9s, for instance, are very “people pleasing” by nature, so much so that very often, they do not even know who they are themselves.
As a type 9, I have always looked down on my own insights or opinions – making much more of what other people think. In that sense, I have been sleepwalking – alive, but not living my life – rather, I have chosen paths that would please others. I think I chose certain paths for the wrong reasons, to try and prove to others that I am not a bad person.
For the most part, I was living through other people’s opinions, seeing myself through their eyes and doing what they thought was best, instead of taking responsibility for my own life and doing that which I felt was best and important. I have not been fully myself for most of my life because I have been scared of other people’s opinions. I have pretended to be the person that they want me to be and I have not allowed myself to just be myself — all in an attempt to avoid conflict or confrontation. I have been alive but not awake, not living my life as myself.
I need to be constantly reminded to wake up! It is time to live! I need to move forward with my life and not be pulled down to stagnation, but to be moving – as who I am – and not as how others see me or like me or want me to be.
There is much worth fighting for. God created me for a specific purpose and with a specific contribution that He wants me to make in this world. When I let gravity pull me down and keep me down, it does not stop the world from moving on and moving forward – the world will not wait for me – when I remain motionless or dormant – I miss out on life and on what God is doing around me.
Enneagram 9s are very diplomatic – and I can be very diplomatic – to the extreme that I can understand two sides of a situation, that I, myself, do not even know which side I believe is right or wrong.
Understanding both sides can be good – but what is my side? What do I think or believe? How is it possible that I do not know and do not have an opinion, but find myself stuck between all the sides? I often feel like I struggle to find direction by myself, but need someone to tell me what to do. For too long I followed what others thought was right, that I completely lost myself.
I must discover who I really am and pursue my passions and purposes in life! I need to take the initiative and move forward! I cannot just go through the motions of life. Fight being lethargic. There are a lot of worthy purposes to live for, and worthy causes to fight for.
As I take action, it will bring life! I have never felt as alive as when I admitted to myself who I really was – I am gay. I can stop pretending otherwise to please others – it is uncomfortable but right. I can love myself for who I am. And I can love others for who they are – even when I do not see life from their perspective. God has called us to love! [He didn’t call us to change others – that is His work!] Loving others will be more meaningful than debating with them.